As Brandon mentioned, we played hockey last night for the first time in quite a while. It wasn't a bad skate, considering - had a couple of incidental checks (oops; once into the boards, another one open ice) but hey, it happens.
However, working out has been difficult in general lately just due to something crazy going on with my body - namely, nausea.
I've always had a weird love/hate relationship with food. I like food (well, for the most part), but food often doesn't like me back. Sometimes it's due to its unhealthiness (mcdonald's and i haven't spoken in years) and sometimes i just can't explain why something I eat just doesn't agree with me.
The weird thing is, it doesn't happen all the time. Sometimes, food doesn't agree with me and sometimes it does. I've tried to find a pattern with it by looking through food journals and can't seem to find anything.
In any case, I've been having food issues the past few days. I eat something, I get nauseous. It may take an hour or so, but it happens. The problem is, when I get that feeling, the last thing on my mind is working out as the feeling of "ohhh, wanna vomit" will get even stronger. Boo.
All I can say is hopefully something changes soon.
Showing posts with label exercise history. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise history. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Of Running and Stress Eating ...
... or not eating, as tends often to be my case.
A lot of people tend to eat when they're stressed. They turn to sugars and fats and all those delicious yet bad-for-you foods that you generally try to avoid when you're not stressed out to the point of cracking.
Brandon says he's like this. I can be, but generally when I'm sick.
I started noticing in college that my eating habits went through phases - I either ate everything in sight or nothing. I almost always managed to eat breakfast (my favorite meal of the day that rarely gets thrown by the wayside), but the rest of the day could be a crapshoot on what I ate or how much I ate.
Basically, I like food, but food and I don't tend to have the best relationship. I know I need to eat. I need to eat to live. But, it gets hard, when NOTHING, even things I ADORE look appetizing (this happens more than i'd like to admit) and the things I do end up trying to eat make me feel nauseous, whether in actuality or because I imagine it (i'm not ruling out the possibility). I haven't given up food completely, though God knows I've thought about it more times than I can count (i mainly don't because if i don't eat, i will pass out. almost happened at work once - ran late, hadn't eaten in 16 hours ... yeeeeahhh ...).
In any case, to get back on track here, during times of immense stress that depresses me (i should add that clarification), I tend to not want to eat. I'll eat breakfast for sure ... but after that? I eat only because my body tells me to eat. "Bitch, you better be getting some food in you before you pass out," is how I imagine my brain/stomach operate.
It doesn't also help when dinner is something I don't particularly care for anyway and there's not another viable, healthy, quick option for me to substitute. A girl can only eat packages of beef ramen noodles for dinner so often, man.
I've been going through this lately due to some external things happening within my family (damned economy is all i'm sayin') and part of this, I'm sure, has killed my motivation to work out. It probably makes for a vicious cycle: stress = not hungry = no motivation to work out = no activity = less need for food = more not being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
So it's a surprise that I managed so much at the gym late(r) last night with how little I ate yesterday, especially considering that except for a Wee Brie (i love you president cheeses) at "dinner," the last protein I had consumed before that was around five hours prior (typically i need egg or animal protein to get me through - cheese/milk/dairy typically doesn't cut it for me).
It was a similar thing today. I ate breakfast at around 10am (mmm, gooey green apple pancakes) - a breakfast that didn't have protein save for the coffee milk I drank. Despite that, I managed a 1.56 mile run on it a little after 2pm ... and didn't eat again until dinner an hour ago at 7:15pm. I ate and wondered why I was hungry. Oh right ... that whole not eating thing in nine hours.
But when I'm stressed and/or busy (stupid column), it happens.
Speaking of that run ... 1.56 miles in 15:42 and a 10:03 mile. Boo. I was going to do a two mile loop, but it was hella windy out so I scratched that idea and went for the 1.35 mile loop that I typically do. However, as I was nearing the turn-off for home, Rodney Atkins' "If You're Going Through Hell (Keep Going)" came on and I was feeling awesome, so I went down to the next turn-off to go up the hill and curl back into home the way I left.
Bad idea. Soon after I turned the corner and started up Timberline (the crappy, stupid hill), Rodney went away and on came Tina Turner singing about "The Best." I wanted to walk SO BADLY, but I didn't. I finished and proceeded to hack up a crapton of mucus.
Needless to say, Tina got booted off the running playlist as soon as I went back upstairs.
For the curious, I discovered the song junior year in college. Our hockey coach would put it on right before a game, close the lights and leave us to listen to the song and think about what we wanted our performances to be ... or something. Needless to say, after a few months (or a few weeks; i can't remember), we all started mocking the song, giggling when it came on and eventually singing it in ridiculously high-pitched falsettos as soon as she left the locker room. As much as I ridiculed that damn song, however, I eventually grew to like it and downloaded it. Yep. Fun for driving or dancing along to around the house, but for running, it sucks.
A lot of people tend to eat when they're stressed. They turn to sugars and fats and all those delicious yet bad-for-you foods that you generally try to avoid when you're not stressed out to the point of cracking.
Brandon says he's like this. I can be, but generally when I'm sick.
I started noticing in college that my eating habits went through phases - I either ate everything in sight or nothing. I almost always managed to eat breakfast (my favorite meal of the day that rarely gets thrown by the wayside), but the rest of the day could be a crapshoot on what I ate or how much I ate.
Basically, I like food, but food and I don't tend to have the best relationship. I know I need to eat. I need to eat to live. But, it gets hard, when NOTHING, even things I ADORE look appetizing (this happens more than i'd like to admit) and the things I do end up trying to eat make me feel nauseous, whether in actuality or because I imagine it (i'm not ruling out the possibility). I haven't given up food completely, though God knows I've thought about it more times than I can count (i mainly don't because if i don't eat, i will pass out. almost happened at work once - ran late, hadn't eaten in 16 hours ... yeeeeahhh ...).
In any case, to get back on track here, during times of immense stress that depresses me (i should add that clarification), I tend to not want to eat. I'll eat breakfast for sure ... but after that? I eat only because my body tells me to eat. "Bitch, you better be getting some food in you before you pass out," is how I imagine my brain/stomach operate.
It doesn't also help when dinner is something I don't particularly care for anyway and there's not another viable, healthy, quick option for me to substitute. A girl can only eat packages of beef ramen noodles for dinner so often, man.
I've been going through this lately due to some external things happening within my family (damned economy is all i'm sayin') and part of this, I'm sure, has killed my motivation to work out. It probably makes for a vicious cycle: stress = not hungry = no motivation to work out = no activity = less need for food = more not being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
So it's a surprise that I managed so much at the gym late(r) last night with how little I ate yesterday, especially considering that except for a Wee Brie (i love you president cheeses) at "dinner," the last protein I had consumed before that was around five hours prior (typically i need egg or animal protein to get me through - cheese/milk/dairy typically doesn't cut it for me).
It was a similar thing today. I ate breakfast at around 10am (mmm, gooey green apple pancakes) - a breakfast that didn't have protein save for the coffee milk I drank. Despite that, I managed a 1.56 mile run on it a little after 2pm ... and didn't eat again until dinner an hour ago at 7:15pm. I ate and wondered why I was hungry. Oh right ... that whole not eating thing in nine hours.
But when I'm stressed and/or busy (stupid column), it happens.
Speaking of that run ... 1.56 miles in 15:42 and a 10:03 mile. Boo. I was going to do a two mile loop, but it was hella windy out so I scratched that idea and went for the 1.35 mile loop that I typically do. However, as I was nearing the turn-off for home, Rodney Atkins' "If You're Going Through Hell (Keep Going)" came on and I was feeling awesome, so I went down to the next turn-off to go up the hill and curl back into home the way I left.
Bad idea. Soon after I turned the corner and started up Timberline (the crappy, stupid hill), Rodney went away and on came Tina Turner singing about "The Best." I wanted to walk SO BADLY, but I didn't. I finished and proceeded to hack up a crapton of mucus.
Needless to say, Tina got booted off the running playlist as soon as I went back upstairs.
For the curious, I discovered the song junior year in college. Our hockey coach would put it on right before a game, close the lights and leave us to listen to the song and think about what we wanted our performances to be ... or something. Needless to say, after a few months (or a few weeks; i can't remember), we all started mocking the song, giggling when it came on and eventually singing it in ridiculously high-pitched falsettos as soon as she left the locker room. As much as I ridiculed that damn song, however, I eventually grew to like it and downloaded it. Yep. Fun for driving or dancing along to around the house, but for running, it sucks.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I Feel ... Not As Strong
First of all, I am SO GLAD TOMORROW'S MY OFF DAY.
On the slate for today's workout for me was a total body lift. So, I decided to do the aforementioned Shape workout (head over to Charlotte's to see it ... too lazy to link ... read down a few posts).
Since I picked up the actual magazine (wanted to add said workout to the ol' files), I read it more indepth than what I skimmed previously. I caught (that i didn't before) that one is supposed to do said circuit three to four times through.
Ha.
Me? I did it once through (after the stepmill warmup and stretching, of course) and had to take random breaks to regain my breathing.
Now I don't know if my lungs were giving me crap because ... a.) it's cold out today and my sports asthma gives me more crap when the ambient air is cold; b.) I'm still fighting off a random cold; or c.) my cardiovascular endurance really has gone to hell worse than I originally thought.
It's probably a combination of the three, but damn was it humbling. ESPECIALLY doing the four-count push-ups while on my knees.
Back in college when I played club ice hockey (for the team: on the ice 4-5 days a week about 2hrs at a time), after running my warm-up laps (occasionally with stairs) and stretching, I'd do some crunches and three sets of 10 push-ups. NORMAL push-ups, not assisted push-ups or whatever the ones on the knees are called. Sure, the final few were a bit tricky, but I could still do it. Not so much anymore.
The thing that's weird is, I never thought I was in that great of shape back then. Maybe it was because I was still pudgy (of course, i ate like crap half the time) or maybe it was because I was still the slowest kid on the team and felt out of shape compared to some of the rest of the super athletes on my team, but I never felt like it.
It makes me regret not eating smarter back then and not utilizing the wonderful, FREE workout facilities we had. I mean, sure, I tried half-assed-ly, but never truly stuck to making the best decisions.
If I had ate better and maybe worked out a little more, I wonder how my fitness base would be now, whether I'd be entrenched in a healthy lifestyle.
Or, conversely ... I wonder if nothing would have ultimately changed and, when I had gone back home, without a gym membership and a family that doesn't eat all that wonderfully well, would I have gone back to my oldOLD habits and be either worse off or still where I am today?
On the slate for today's workout for me was a total body lift. So, I decided to do the aforementioned Shape workout (head over to Charlotte's to see it ... too lazy to link ... read down a few posts).
Since I picked up the actual magazine (wanted to add said workout to the ol' files), I read it more indepth than what I skimmed previously. I caught (that i didn't before) that one is supposed to do said circuit three to four times through.
Ha.
Me? I did it once through (after the stepmill warmup and stretching, of course) and had to take random breaks to regain my breathing.
Now I don't know if my lungs were giving me crap because ... a.) it's cold out today and my sports asthma gives me more crap when the ambient air is cold; b.) I'm still fighting off a random cold; or c.) my cardiovascular endurance really has gone to hell worse than I originally thought.
It's probably a combination of the three, but damn was it humbling. ESPECIALLY doing the four-count push-ups while on my knees.
Back in college when I played club ice hockey (for the team: on the ice 4-5 days a week about 2hrs at a time), after running my warm-up laps (occasionally with stairs) and stretching, I'd do some crunches and three sets of 10 push-ups. NORMAL push-ups, not assisted push-ups or whatever the ones on the knees are called. Sure, the final few were a bit tricky, but I could still do it. Not so much anymore.
The thing that's weird is, I never thought I was in that great of shape back then. Maybe it was because I was still pudgy (of course, i ate like crap half the time) or maybe it was because I was still the slowest kid on the team and felt out of shape compared to some of the rest of the super athletes on my team, but I never felt like it.
It makes me regret not eating smarter back then and not utilizing the wonderful, FREE workout facilities we had. I mean, sure, I tried half-assed-ly, but never truly stuck to making the best decisions.
If I had ate better and maybe worked out a little more, I wonder how my fitness base would be now, whether I'd be entrenched in a healthy lifestyle.
Or, conversely ... I wonder if nothing would have ultimately changed and, when I had gone back home, without a gym membership and a family that doesn't eat all that wonderfully well, would I have gone back to my oldOLD habits and be either worse off or still where I am today?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Overdue: The bodybugg Discussion
I know in past posts I've referenced a time when I was on the bodybugg. If you watch NBC's The Biggest Loser, you may have seen the little armband device on its contestants the past few seasons.
I've been putting off writing about my time on it because it was, honestly, a miserable time. That, and I wanted to give you more of my exercise/fitness backstory first. However, what happened with Brandon last night (read his entry), made me revisit my time on the bodybugg and why I went on the damn thing in the first place.
Though I've never had the best body image ever (hellloooooo, i'm female; it's in my genes to hate my body at some point or another), self-loathing never got bad until I started working at 24 Hour Fitness.
Crazy, I know.
I started working at 24 in December 2006. I needed a job and I figured one where I'd get a free gym membership would be awesome. So, I started working as a front desk receptionist (later: service representative), working the front desk, checking people in, stocking shit, cleaning shit (sometimes literally). I worked out often, but never crazily.
In March 2007, I got my body fat tested. 29.something%. Hasn't been that high since who knows when. I drank the Kool-aid and got some of the fat burn pills ... stupid idea since the start of March is the start of college hockey playoffs which means road trips for me, a lot of work and not a lot of time to work out and/or eat healthy.
Once hockey ended, I started a food and exercise diary - something I'd done off and on throughout college - on May 21, 2007. I don't remember much of why I started it, but I knew I wasn't happy.
On May 27, 2007, I snapped somehow. I refer to it as a nervous breakdown, though when Brandon looked his incident up, it was more like a panic attack. In any case, something happened. At 3:15pm, I went for a bike ride that lasted about a mile. I went down to the park, took a path I'd never taken before. I don't even remember seeing the parked trailer, but I pedaled right into the back of it. It shook me some. I felt like I had to get out, wander. But, since I just cycled into the back of a trailer, I didn't trust myself on a bike, much less behind the wheel of a car.
So, I turned around, went home, put my bike back in the garage and started walking. I walked to Target.
4:15pm: SNACK: 20 squares raw sugar cookie dough (circled later because it was bad food), 1 roma tomato, 3/4 mini cheese pizza (circled), 10 oz Dr. Pepper (circled)
I kept walking. And walking. And walking. I walked halfway to a friend's house but didn't continue because some voice inside me said not to. I turned around. I took a few pictures. Eventually, I made it back home. Six or seven miles later, I made it back home.
7:45pm: SNACK: 1 large slice cantaloupe, 24 oz H2O (none of it circled).
Not too much was circled after that, though the circles came back in early-mid June.
We had an intern trainer at the gym that summer. He bugged and bugged me to do a free session with him, to work whatever I wanted. Finally, I caved; said I wanted to work on core. That was on June 29, 2007.
2:30pm: GYM: plank 3 min, side plank 1 min, 20 ball hamstring things, 5 min bosu balance tosses w/ 4lb med ball-exercise ball, butt bridges w/ leg raises on ball (~ 2 min), bridged butt raises (10) on ball
I might also mention that was the first of three workout sessions that day. Another later at 5pm and hockey that night at 9pm.
I don't remember the exact day I started it, but less than a week later, I was on the bodybugg. It was my birthday gift to myself.
One that later ended up being worth three and a half months of misery.
The plan laid out for me on the bodybugg was to burn 3500 calories a day (remember, i was training for my first tri at that point - or trying) and eat about 750 fewer calories than that (so, what, 2800ish? my math sucks). I also needed to try and aim for a 60/20/20 breakdown - have 60 percent of my calories come from carbohydrates, 20 percent from protein and 20 percent from fat (so about 40g a day).
Those of you reading probably know what the "typical" "average" American diet is - you can easily get 40g of fat in a meal, much less a day.
However, in the early going, I didn't care too much about that. Didn't care ... until my weight wasn't going down like it should. My body fat was slowly edging down about according to plan (got my fat pinched every two weeks), but the weight wasn't budging.
I know part of that now was probably muscle weight as I tend to put on muscle fairly easily. That, and my brother is convinced that our family just has denser bones. I weighed 152 pounds senior year of high school. No way could you say I was fat. But, at 5'9", that's technically a tad higher than the experts say I should weigh.
In any case, I started watching my food more closely. Cutting out more and more things. Switching from regular bacon to turkey bacon. Regular eggs to Egg Beaters. Cutting out butter/margarine (or, in my family's case, brummel and brown) for no spread or just Simply Fruit strawberry spread on my whole wheat toast. Unless I went for sushi, I pretty much quit eating out. Even at sushi I cut out one of my favorites - the shrimp tempura roll. I bought a food scale and measured out everything I ate. I frustrated the hell out of my mom trying to get a recipe for foods she'd been making from pure memory for years just because I needed to log it into the bodybugg. I spent hours in the gym and running in the backyard and going for walks to meet and beat my step goals and make sure I burned at least a 1000 calories more than I was taking in so I could make that number go down.
I tried my damndest to get to and adhere to that 60/20/20 breakdown. It'd be 7pm, I'd need dinner and need x amount of protein, x amount of carbs ... but it could only have 2 grams of fat.
I pretty much stopped eating what my family ate. I joke a bit about it now, but I was basically down to eating Egg Beaters and oatmeal (and apex bars and some vegetables).
The number on the scale still really wasn't moving.
Did I look good near the end? I'll let you decide:
August 25, 2007. Still had two months to go on the bodybugg.
I looked good enough to feel confident about pulling off a hoochie top like that for going out dancing with my friends.
But look at my face. It's completely joyless.
Part of it, I'm sure, was due to eating like total shit the night before thanks to a friend's 30th birthday party. But then I went out the next night, danced as best I could (hard due to how miserable I was) and didn't touch a drop of alcohol even though everyone else I was out with was enjoying a drink.
I never fully recovered from that day in May. I had one day of happiness after that - August 5, 2007 - the day of my first tri. The endorphins were high enough that I felt good. However, it is important to note that I didn't treat myself for finishing the tri.
8:20am: GYM: 1/2 mi swim in 21 min, 11.4 mi bike in 43 min, 3.1 mi run in 32 min -> tri in 1:47:22
10:50am: SNACK: 1 banana, 1 cinnamon-raisin bagel, 1 Apex apple pie fruit fuel bar
~ 10 oz fruit punch Powerade, 14 oz H2O
2:30pm: LUNCH: 1/2 slice orange, 16 grapes, 1 16oz Jamba Juice protein berry pizzaz smoothie
5:00pm: SNACK: 3/4 c bran flakes w/ 1 packet Splenda + 1/4 c 1% milk
7:30pm: DINNER: 1 turkey mignon, 1 1/4 c green beans, 2 c mashed potatoes
~ 12 oz H2O
The depression, or funk, or whatever I was in never went away. It became harder and harder to plaster a smile on my face at work. The trainers whom I was friendly with knew something was up and said, "we're pulling for you." Same with the members I was friendly with. My direct manager knew something was up, but except for the smiling and a bit more bite toward rude customers, I still performed my job duties to the best of my ability.
The club manager, however, was mad I wasn't smiling (let's not go into how i never get greeted with a smile when i go to that club now ... unless someone i know is working the front desk) and greeting customers. I started working more and more shifts in Kids Club since, supposedly, CM was getting complaints about me.
Eventually, I was in a meeting with CM and DM. CM basically told me to get happy or I was fired.
Then expected a week turnaround. Ha. Right.
I knew the end was coming. The job had sucked the soul out of me and ruined my body image.
I turned in my two weeks and shitcanned the bodybugg. $200 still sitting in a box in my closet.
Another picture of me from that year doesn't exist until October 13, 2007 - two days after I quit the food diary. Probably two days after I quit the bodybugg - I don't honestly remember.
I do remember the day I quit the bodybugg. I took it off my arm at work - it had been giving me a weird rash-thing for about a month at that point - and said I was taking a break. I walked to the gas station, bought a Bon Appetit cheese croissant, coffee and hell, maybe even some Hostess chocolate donettes. I don't think I worked out for a month.
Basically, three and a half months of hard work went down the toilet in three weeks. Almost all my hard work - gone.
I don't think I fully recovered until mid-December, 2007. It was at that point I went on tInvasion - a college hockey trip up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (and also the weekend where brandon and i hooked up for the first time ... and started dating two days later). I almost didn't go since I thought I wouldn't have fun - I hadn't been having much fun in any of my social outings - but I did.
As you know (or do now!), I started this blog in January 2008. It was a way to get back on track.
But, as Brandon's panic attack/nervous breakdown attests, we haven't really been getting back on track. For me, at least, I had started back down the same path.
Oh sure, it wasn't to the same extent, but the signs started coming back, and none so great as last Saturday.
Brandon and I got back from Aspen and agreed with my parents to go out to lunch. They suggested Chick-Fil-A (which i love but haven't eaten in forever since the grease is starting to not agree with the ol' internal plumbing). I agreed at first, but then quickly amended to make it the mall food court (where a chick-fil-a exists). Brandon got Subway.
I had basically an anxiety attack. I looked at all the food options, walked around the food court and couldn't decide on anything. I had a sugar cookie in my hand at Subway (to make it part of brandon's combo) and put it down. I couldn't get a salad or deli sandwich at Paradise. A fruit smoothie at Squeeze seemed out of the question. My breathing got heavier and I almost started to cry. The food court seemed to be closing in on me.
We walked out and left.
A little later that week, after a dinner at home that also didn't happen to agree with me, I smuggled a Drumstick upstairs (ice cream one, peoples) in the pouch of my sweatshirt to eat upstairs lest my parents see it and make a crack at me (as they're wont to do).
Yeah. Because behavior like sneaking an ice cream treat is healthy and normal.
Then came last night. I tennis ball-ed (okay, more like baseball-ed) my shoulder (thanks, mark!) and we went to the gym. I foam rolled (brandon stretched), we did five minutes on the recumbent, stretched (brandon stretched again) and got on the stationary bike.
The plan was to do 20 minutes on the bike, maybe some elliptical and lift. At that point, I knew Brandon was feeling detached and out of it. But then, 3:41 into the bike, Brandon got off. Said he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know what was going on, so I got off my bike. Ran into Brandon. He said he had to get out. Told him to wait two minutes while I grabbed my stuff. He wanted to walk home. Told him no, we live seven minutes away; we'd drive. Got home, had him grab a sweatshirt (i grabbed one as well as my wallet, phone, keys and a flashlight) and we went for a walk. Didn't even get that far before Brandon sat on the sidewalk, on a curb under a streetlight and started to think. And talk.
After a bit, we walked again. Eventually, he snapped back out of it. Realized that the food anxieties he'd been going through were his own fault (same over here, really). Drove around, trying to find ... something. Eventually came back to 7-11, grabbed an ice cream bar, and, with great hesitation, ate it. It was hard, but we did it.
Ultimately, I think in a weird, roundabout way, we were almost heading close to Charlotte's orthorexia (don't mean to pick on you charlotte; you're just, well, the best example out in ze ol' fitosphere). In any case, it was disordered eating of some type.
Hopefully things will get better from here, but as I told Brandon last night at some point - there is a fine, fine line one toes in trying to be healthy without being obsessive.
I've been putting off writing about my time on it because it was, honestly, a miserable time. That, and I wanted to give you more of my exercise/fitness backstory first. However, what happened with Brandon last night (read his entry), made me revisit my time on the bodybugg and why I went on the damn thing in the first place.
Though I've never had the best body image ever (hellloooooo, i'm female; it's in my genes to hate my body at some point or another), self-loathing never got bad until I started working at 24 Hour Fitness.
Crazy, I know.
I started working at 24 in December 2006. I needed a job and I figured one where I'd get a free gym membership would be awesome. So, I started working as a front desk receptionist (later: service representative), working the front desk, checking people in, stocking shit, cleaning shit (sometimes literally). I worked out often, but never crazily.
In March 2007, I got my body fat tested. 29.something%. Hasn't been that high since who knows when. I drank the Kool-aid and got some of the fat burn pills ... stupid idea since the start of March is the start of college hockey playoffs which means road trips for me, a lot of work and not a lot of time to work out and/or eat healthy.
Once hockey ended, I started a food and exercise diary - something I'd done off and on throughout college - on May 21, 2007. I don't remember much of why I started it, but I knew I wasn't happy.
On May 27, 2007, I snapped somehow. I refer to it as a nervous breakdown, though when Brandon looked his incident up, it was more like a panic attack. In any case, something happened. At 3:15pm, I went for a bike ride that lasted about a mile. I went down to the park, took a path I'd never taken before. I don't even remember seeing the parked trailer, but I pedaled right into the back of it. It shook me some. I felt like I had to get out, wander. But, since I just cycled into the back of a trailer, I didn't trust myself on a bike, much less behind the wheel of a car.
So, I turned around, went home, put my bike back in the garage and started walking. I walked to Target.
4:15pm: SNACK: 20 squares raw sugar cookie dough (circled later because it was bad food), 1 roma tomato, 3/4 mini cheese pizza (circled), 10 oz Dr. Pepper (circled)
I kept walking. And walking. And walking. I walked halfway to a friend's house but didn't continue because some voice inside me said not to. I turned around. I took a few pictures. Eventually, I made it back home. Six or seven miles later, I made it back home.
7:45pm: SNACK: 1 large slice cantaloupe, 24 oz H2O (none of it circled).
Not too much was circled after that, though the circles came back in early-mid June.
We had an intern trainer at the gym that summer. He bugged and bugged me to do a free session with him, to work whatever I wanted. Finally, I caved; said I wanted to work on core. That was on June 29, 2007.
2:30pm: GYM: plank 3 min, side plank 1 min, 20 ball hamstring things, 5 min bosu balance tosses w/ 4lb med ball-exercise ball, butt bridges w/ leg raises on ball (~ 2 min), bridged butt raises (10) on ball
I might also mention that was the first of three workout sessions that day. Another later at 5pm and hockey that night at 9pm.
I don't remember the exact day I started it, but less than a week later, I was on the bodybugg. It was my birthday gift to myself.
One that later ended up being worth three and a half months of misery.
The plan laid out for me on the bodybugg was to burn 3500 calories a day (remember, i was training for my first tri at that point - or trying) and eat about 750 fewer calories than that (so, what, 2800ish? my math sucks). I also needed to try and aim for a 60/20/20 breakdown - have 60 percent of my calories come from carbohydrates, 20 percent from protein and 20 percent from fat (so about 40g a day).
Those of you reading probably know what the "typical" "average" American diet is - you can easily get 40g of fat in a meal, much less a day.
However, in the early going, I didn't care too much about that. Didn't care ... until my weight wasn't going down like it should. My body fat was slowly edging down about according to plan (got my fat pinched every two weeks), but the weight wasn't budging.
I know part of that now was probably muscle weight as I tend to put on muscle fairly easily. That, and my brother is convinced that our family just has denser bones. I weighed 152 pounds senior year of high school. No way could you say I was fat. But, at 5'9", that's technically a tad higher than the experts say I should weigh.
In any case, I started watching my food more closely. Cutting out more and more things. Switching from regular bacon to turkey bacon. Regular eggs to Egg Beaters. Cutting out butter/margarine (or, in my family's case, brummel and brown) for no spread or just Simply Fruit strawberry spread on my whole wheat toast. Unless I went for sushi, I pretty much quit eating out. Even at sushi I cut out one of my favorites - the shrimp tempura roll. I bought a food scale and measured out everything I ate. I frustrated the hell out of my mom trying to get a recipe for foods she'd been making from pure memory for years just because I needed to log it into the bodybugg. I spent hours in the gym and running in the backyard and going for walks to meet and beat my step goals and make sure I burned at least a 1000 calories more than I was taking in so I could make that number go down.
I tried my damndest to get to and adhere to that 60/20/20 breakdown. It'd be 7pm, I'd need dinner and need x amount of protein, x amount of carbs ... but it could only have 2 grams of fat.
I pretty much stopped eating what my family ate. I joke a bit about it now, but I was basically down to eating Egg Beaters and oatmeal (and apex bars and some vegetables).
The number on the scale still really wasn't moving.
Did I look good near the end? I'll let you decide:
August 25, 2007. Still had two months to go on the bodybugg.
I looked good enough to feel confident about pulling off a hoochie top like that for going out dancing with my friends.
But look at my face. It's completely joyless.
Part of it, I'm sure, was due to eating like total shit the night before thanks to a friend's 30th birthday party. But then I went out the next night, danced as best I could (hard due to how miserable I was) and didn't touch a drop of alcohol even though everyone else I was out with was enjoying a drink.
I never fully recovered from that day in May. I had one day of happiness after that - August 5, 2007 - the day of my first tri. The endorphins were high enough that I felt good. However, it is important to note that I didn't treat myself for finishing the tri.
8:20am: GYM: 1/2 mi swim in 21 min, 11.4 mi bike in 43 min, 3.1 mi run in 32 min -> tri in 1:47:22
10:50am: SNACK: 1 banana, 1 cinnamon-raisin bagel, 1 Apex apple pie fruit fuel bar
~ 10 oz fruit punch Powerade, 14 oz H2O
2:30pm: LUNCH: 1/2 slice orange, 16 grapes, 1 16oz Jamba Juice protein berry pizzaz smoothie
5:00pm: SNACK: 3/4 c bran flakes w/ 1 packet Splenda + 1/4 c 1% milk
7:30pm: DINNER: 1 turkey mignon, 1 1/4 c green beans, 2 c mashed potatoes
~ 12 oz H2O
The depression, or funk, or whatever I was in never went away. It became harder and harder to plaster a smile on my face at work. The trainers whom I was friendly with knew something was up and said, "we're pulling for you." Same with the members I was friendly with. My direct manager knew something was up, but except for the smiling and a bit more bite toward rude customers, I still performed my job duties to the best of my ability.
The club manager, however, was mad I wasn't smiling (let's not go into how i never get greeted with a smile when i go to that club now ... unless someone i know is working the front desk) and greeting customers. I started working more and more shifts in Kids Club since, supposedly, CM was getting complaints about me.
Eventually, I was in a meeting with CM and DM. CM basically told me to get happy or I was fired.
Then expected a week turnaround. Ha. Right.
I knew the end was coming. The job had sucked the soul out of me and ruined my body image.
I turned in my two weeks and shitcanned the bodybugg. $200 still sitting in a box in my closet.
Another picture of me from that year doesn't exist until October 13, 2007 - two days after I quit the food diary. Probably two days after I quit the bodybugg - I don't honestly remember.
I do remember the day I quit the bodybugg. I took it off my arm at work - it had been giving me a weird rash-thing for about a month at that point - and said I was taking a break. I walked to the gas station, bought a Bon Appetit cheese croissant, coffee and hell, maybe even some Hostess chocolate donettes. I don't think I worked out for a month.
Basically, three and a half months of hard work went down the toilet in three weeks. Almost all my hard work - gone.
I don't think I fully recovered until mid-December, 2007. It was at that point I went on tInvasion - a college hockey trip up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (and also the weekend where brandon and i hooked up for the first time ... and started dating two days later). I almost didn't go since I thought I wouldn't have fun - I hadn't been having much fun in any of my social outings - but I did.
As you know (or do now!), I started this blog in January 2008. It was a way to get back on track.
But, as Brandon's panic attack/nervous breakdown attests, we haven't really been getting back on track. For me, at least, I had started back down the same path.
Oh sure, it wasn't to the same extent, but the signs started coming back, and none so great as last Saturday.
Brandon and I got back from Aspen and agreed with my parents to go out to lunch. They suggested Chick-Fil-A (which i love but haven't eaten in forever since the grease is starting to not agree with the ol' internal plumbing). I agreed at first, but then quickly amended to make it the mall food court (where a chick-fil-a exists). Brandon got Subway.
I had basically an anxiety attack. I looked at all the food options, walked around the food court and couldn't decide on anything. I had a sugar cookie in my hand at Subway (to make it part of brandon's combo) and put it down. I couldn't get a salad or deli sandwich at Paradise. A fruit smoothie at Squeeze seemed out of the question. My breathing got heavier and I almost started to cry. The food court seemed to be closing in on me.
We walked out and left.
A little later that week, after a dinner at home that also didn't happen to agree with me, I smuggled a Drumstick upstairs (ice cream one, peoples) in the pouch of my sweatshirt to eat upstairs lest my parents see it and make a crack at me (as they're wont to do).
Yeah. Because behavior like sneaking an ice cream treat is healthy and normal.
Then came last night. I tennis ball-ed (okay, more like baseball-ed) my shoulder (thanks, mark!) and we went to the gym. I foam rolled (brandon stretched), we did five minutes on the recumbent, stretched (brandon stretched again) and got on the stationary bike.
The plan was to do 20 minutes on the bike, maybe some elliptical and lift. At that point, I knew Brandon was feeling detached and out of it. But then, 3:41 into the bike, Brandon got off. Said he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know what was going on, so I got off my bike. Ran into Brandon. He said he had to get out. Told him to wait two minutes while I grabbed my stuff. He wanted to walk home. Told him no, we live seven minutes away; we'd drive. Got home, had him grab a sweatshirt (i grabbed one as well as my wallet, phone, keys and a flashlight) and we went for a walk. Didn't even get that far before Brandon sat on the sidewalk, on a curb under a streetlight and started to think. And talk.
After a bit, we walked again. Eventually, he snapped back out of it. Realized that the food anxieties he'd been going through were his own fault (same over here, really). Drove around, trying to find ... something. Eventually came back to 7-11, grabbed an ice cream bar, and, with great hesitation, ate it. It was hard, but we did it.
Ultimately, I think in a weird, roundabout way, we were almost heading close to Charlotte's orthorexia (don't mean to pick on you charlotte; you're just, well, the best example out in ze ol' fitosphere). In any case, it was disordered eating of some type.
Hopefully things will get better from here, but as I told Brandon last night at some point - there is a fine, fine line one toes in trying to be healthy without being obsessive.
A serious entry
Most of our posts up to this point have been humorous, or at the very least, non-serious. Yesterday, something happened to me that made me literally snap.
I woke up not feeling myself. Don't know how to describe it, but I just was not myself. We went to the food court in the mall to decide on something for lunch. For those who haven't been keeping track of our goals, one of mine is to not eat any fast food other than Taco Bell or Subway. Well, we were doing a loop of the food court and something came over me. It was like I was there, but wasn't. As girlfriend put it, I was detached from myself. And the oddest thing is, I don't remember much about it. I came back down to earth shortly thereafter.
But as the day was pressing on, I was definitely drifting in and out of reality. Even during Jeopardy I was not there. Theresa was noticing something but couldn't put her finger on it. Later in the evening before we went to the gym, we were discussing the economy, which put both of us in a pretty depressed mood. Driving to the gym was a little weird, and walking in was weird as well. I put my stuff in the locker room, and while girlfriend foam rolled I stretched. We then warmed up for 5 minutes and stretched out more, and this is where I lose track of things. I remember we started on the stationary bikes and I had to get out of the gym. I just had to. I was not in my body.
We left the gym and drove home. My senses were on high alert; I could hear things and see things I never knew were there. We went for a walk and I just had to sit down and talk. And things came spilling out. My lord. Work, money, not letting go of things that happened in the past, and most surprising, my new lifestyle change. I mentioned how the stories in Mens Health about the guys that lose 90 lbs don't mention how hard it actually is. That these guys never have setbacks, or feel insecure at any point. One day they wake up, look in the mirror, and switch their lifestyle over and now they are running marathons. I have one thing to say to all of that. FUCK YOU. Seriously. This change that I have made over the past year has not been easy. In fact, it's been damn near impossible at times. I've cut out a ridiculous amount of things from my diet that I used to love. I've resorted to beating myself up internally if I slip a little bit. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to have one alcoholic drink for all the empty calories it contains. I am at the stage where if I take one bite of bad food, it will blow me up to 208 pounds. Just like that. That is what is in my mind right now.
Of course, this all came spilling out last night at 11:00 on the street. I looked up online what happened and it turns out it was an anxiety attack. The feeling of just having to get out all at once.
The big question obviously was, how do we prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future? I mean, I guess it was hard to admit but I have a form of an eating disorder. The term is orthorexia, where a person focuses so hard on eating healthy that it turns into a fixation. I wouldn't say that mine is serious; it's not like I eat ridiculously healthy for sure. But I do really want to take care of myself. And after evaltualing last night, it appears that this has taken over my life.
A perfect point Theresa brought up to me. Oreos are in the top 10 of my favorite foods. Delicious Double Stuffed Oreos. There is a box of them sitting under my bed. Right under where I sleep. And it's been sitting there for nearly a month. I have eaten less than 1/2 a dozen. No joke. These are just sitting there. Is this showing an amazing ability of willpower? Maybe. But I think what it is realistically showing is that I am depriving myself of things that I love and internally that is hurting me.
So the question is, where do we go from here? The line that we are toeing between being healthy and hurting ourselves is very fine. Obviously we are trying to be healthy, because ultimately it's a better way to live. The benefits of having a healthy body far outweigh a non-healthy body. The question is, how do we find that fine balance? We beat ourselves up pretty bad over what we eat, moreso than we should. I think we've both gotten to a point where anything we put in our bodies negatively affects us.
Unfortunately, there isn't a simple solution. I'm not going to allow myself to suddenly scarf down whatever the hell I want because that would just throw it all away. I'm not going to let back in everything that I have cut out, because that would just throw it all away. What I think I'm going to do is every now and then allow myself a treat. Not just a piece of dark chocolate, but a few Oreos, a couple slices of pizza, a regular pop, a beer, a Crown and diet,. By not prohibiting these things and instead allowing them in my life, it will remind me that eating them is not instant death or huge weight gain.
Off for a run. Will keep everyone updated.
I woke up not feeling myself. Don't know how to describe it, but I just was not myself. We went to the food court in the mall to decide on something for lunch. For those who haven't been keeping track of our goals, one of mine is to not eat any fast food other than Taco Bell or Subway. Well, we were doing a loop of the food court and something came over me. It was like I was there, but wasn't. As girlfriend put it, I was detached from myself. And the oddest thing is, I don't remember much about it. I came back down to earth shortly thereafter.
But as the day was pressing on, I was definitely drifting in and out of reality. Even during Jeopardy I was not there. Theresa was noticing something but couldn't put her finger on it. Later in the evening before we went to the gym, we were discussing the economy, which put both of us in a pretty depressed mood. Driving to the gym was a little weird, and walking in was weird as well. I put my stuff in the locker room, and while girlfriend foam rolled I stretched. We then warmed up for 5 minutes and stretched out more, and this is where I lose track of things. I remember we started on the stationary bikes and I had to get out of the gym. I just had to. I was not in my body.
We left the gym and drove home. My senses were on high alert; I could hear things and see things I never knew were there. We went for a walk and I just had to sit down and talk. And things came spilling out. My lord. Work, money, not letting go of things that happened in the past, and most surprising, my new lifestyle change. I mentioned how the stories in Mens Health about the guys that lose 90 lbs don't mention how hard it actually is. That these guys never have setbacks, or feel insecure at any point. One day they wake up, look in the mirror, and switch their lifestyle over and now they are running marathons. I have one thing to say to all of that. FUCK YOU. Seriously. This change that I have made over the past year has not been easy. In fact, it's been damn near impossible at times. I've cut out a ridiculous amount of things from my diet that I used to love. I've resorted to beating myself up internally if I slip a little bit. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to have one alcoholic drink for all the empty calories it contains. I am at the stage where if I take one bite of bad food, it will blow me up to 208 pounds. Just like that. That is what is in my mind right now.
Of course, this all came spilling out last night at 11:00 on the street. I looked up online what happened and it turns out it was an anxiety attack. The feeling of just having to get out all at once.
The big question obviously was, how do we prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future? I mean, I guess it was hard to admit but I have a form of an eating disorder. The term is orthorexia, where a person focuses so hard on eating healthy that it turns into a fixation. I wouldn't say that mine is serious; it's not like I eat ridiculously healthy for sure. But I do really want to take care of myself. And after evaltualing last night, it appears that this has taken over my life.
A perfect point Theresa brought up to me. Oreos are in the top 10 of my favorite foods. Delicious Double Stuffed Oreos. There is a box of them sitting under my bed. Right under where I sleep. And it's been sitting there for nearly a month. I have eaten less than 1/2 a dozen. No joke. These are just sitting there. Is this showing an amazing ability of willpower? Maybe. But I think what it is realistically showing is that I am depriving myself of things that I love and internally that is hurting me.
So the question is, where do we go from here? The line that we are toeing between being healthy and hurting ourselves is very fine. Obviously we are trying to be healthy, because ultimately it's a better way to live. The benefits of having a healthy body far outweigh a non-healthy body. The question is, how do we find that fine balance? We beat ourselves up pretty bad over what we eat, moreso than we should. I think we've both gotten to a point where anything we put in our bodies negatively affects us.
Unfortunately, there isn't a simple solution. I'm not going to allow myself to suddenly scarf down whatever the hell I want because that would just throw it all away. I'm not going to let back in everything that I have cut out, because that would just throw it all away. What I think I'm going to do is every now and then allow myself a treat. Not just a piece of dark chocolate, but a few Oreos, a couple slices of pizza, a regular pop, a beer, a Crown and diet,. By not prohibiting these things and instead allowing them in my life, it will remind me that eating them is not instant death or huge weight gain.
Off for a run. Will keep everyone updated.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Future Post Preview!
... kind of. I mentioned way the hell back when that I was going to eventually do a post or two on my fitness history - the background of why I am the way that I am. Or something like that.
Well, I started typing some on it tonight and, next thing I know, I have four pages of a word document.
That's a lot of blog ... and that's just through middle school.
You can't tell I'm a writer (journalist). Nuh uh. Not at aaaalllll.
Soooo ... I can obviously edit things down or just do about 10 different blog entries ... once I get them all written out. I really want to post my history ... but at the same time, I don't want to bore y'all.
Therefore, if any of you readers out there in the ol' blogosphere have thoughts on this matter - whether you want to see the entirety of l'histoire de T or just the Cliffs Notes version, let me know.
(and yes, you'll see another blog later when i go work out. maybe. part of me wants a day off.)
Well, I started typing some on it tonight and, next thing I know, I have four pages of a word document.
That's a lot of blog ... and that's just through middle school.
You can't tell I'm a writer (journalist). Nuh uh. Not at aaaalllll.
Soooo ... I can obviously edit things down or just do about 10 different blog entries ... once I get them all written out. I really want to post my history ... but at the same time, I don't want to bore y'all.
Therefore, if any of you readers out there in the ol' blogosphere have thoughts on this matter - whether you want to see the entirety of l'histoire de T or just the Cliffs Notes version, let me know.
(and yes, you'll see another blog later when i go work out. maybe. part of me wants a day off.)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Downsides to Living at Home
For the most part, I am very thankful that my parents let me (and now the boy as well) live at home, rent and everything free. I have a laundry service, my internet/cable/utilities/water all paid for as well as the vast majority of my food. It helps keeps costs down a ridiculous amount, especially now when I'm unemployed.
This does, however, come with the large downside of having to eat what the family eats ... which is rarely completely healthy. I should delve into a bit of background here first ...
My mom and dad are both overweight. Dad was actually totally awesome a few years back, losing weight by the standard: cutting and counting calories, smaller meals, swimming and walking. However, a lot of it was health motivated. His doctor basically told him if he didn't lose weight and lose weight soon, he'd be in a whole lotta trouble. However, since then, his weight has creeped back up and his exercise is back to non-existent, save for some occasional yardwork. I also don't think he's been to the doctor since he's packed the pounds back on. I know that for him, eating healthy and working out can be difficult given that he travels an ass-ton for business eating out all the time ... but I've found that it's not so hard to squeeze in a walk here and there, or some body weight squats, or some crunches, or something. He also snacks at night ALL THE TIME which is also a recipe for destruction.
Mom, on the other hand has been overweight for years, has tried a myriad of diets, claiming they all "don't work for me, they're all full of shit." She claims her metabolism is slower than molasses. She has some weird vegetable soup diet thing she tries every now and then (more of a cleanse, now that i think about it), but obviously it's one of those "quick fix" things. She, however, has a lot more things working against her:
1.) She works third shift, hanging tags at a supermarket. That schedule alone fucks your body up. Given that she has to do a lot of crap during the day, her sleep schedule is erratic at best so she's always tired and always cranky. Perhaps, in part, due to this,
2.) she eats like total crap. I've told her that she should just try the mini-meal thing - a few nutritionally dense meals throughout the day/night to kick-start/keep her slower-than-slow metabolism going. However, her snacks at work will be Twizzlers or 100-calorie packs of Lorna Doone shortbreads. She'll have a bowl of ice cream, saying "I felt like it" or "it's okay, because I'm getting my calcium in this way." ... WHAT?
3.) Her health (in general) is good enough that her doctor doesn't feel the need to tell her to lose weight or else. She's got good blood pressure, cholesterol levels and the like - which I'm thankful for inheriting because my blood pressure kicks ass. However, despite that, she has had arthritis in her knees for years and, more recently, has been having back and foot troubles. She claims it's just due to working on her feet all the time, but I can't help but think it's got something to do with all the extra weight she's carrying around.
She enjoys swimming, but wouldn't go with me to 24 when they had their "bring a guest for free" promotion, finding some excuse. When the whole family had a membership to the rec center, I dragged her along for some walking and low-level recumbent biking, but only a few times. She couldn't swim there, but only because the lap schedules were erratic and didn't fit in with her work schedule.
Now, she proudly said she lost five pounds last year eating what she wanted when she wanted (i feel like an asston of jelly on my toast this morning, so i'm gonna have it). The weight loss is good, don't get me wrong, but at her weight, she could be safely losing AT LEAST that a MONTH. But with no imminent health dangers (well, obvious ones at least) on the horizon and her declaring she's always too tired because she stretches herself thin everywhere else, the motivation will be impossible to come by.
My brother is a strange case. He claims he eats well, but when I'm around him at family meals, he eats a shitload of relatively crappy food. If he eats better at home, then more power to him. But as his business is slow lately (he works in remodeling kitchens and bathrooms and stuff), he's been eating more and more meals back at home base (our house) to save money. His job (and now, his puppies) keep him active and he does enjoy the occasional bike ride (though hasn't in a while), but his main vice is beer ... as evidenced by his slightly solid (looking, at least) beer belly.
To get back on track, the reason why I got so frustrated that it sparked me to blog tonight: tonight's dinner.
From pretty much everything I've read amongst the ever-changing diet advice out there (coffee is the bomb! coffee will kill you! and so on), one standard is that when it comes to the food on your plate, it should be colorful and pretty; avoid the monochromatic meal.
Well, let me tell you what the family enjoyed for dinner tonight:
- 2% cottage cheese with canned pears (i actually enjoy this ... in small quantities)
- steak (don't know what cut) covered in Montreal steak seasoning (too seasoned; i prechop my steaks so i only eat about a serving and toss the rest in a ziploc - can't eat much red meat anymore)
- chopped mushrooms sauteed in butter, for the steak (ate a tiny bit; could tell mushrooms were getting old and yucky)
- corn on the cob, buttered (ate a half-cob; i hate this as a vegetable - it's basically a starch)
- russet potatoes, peeled, sliced and fried with onions (bland and just ... blah)
- pillsbury crescent rolls: garlic butter edition, served with brummel and brown (realized they were the garlic butter ones halfway into my second roll - knew it tasted funny and couldn't figure out why ... *gag*)
The color palette? white, light yellow-green, gray, brown, yellow/white, white, tan. Pretty damn monochromatic if you ask me. I had as little of everything as possible and supplemented with some red grapes, but still.
Costs be damned, I wish Brandon and I could move out now, if only to eat better without the family looking down on me (history for another day ...).
This does, however, come with the large downside of having to eat what the family eats ... which is rarely completely healthy. I should delve into a bit of background here first ...
My mom and dad are both overweight. Dad was actually totally awesome a few years back, losing weight by the standard: cutting and counting calories, smaller meals, swimming and walking. However, a lot of it was health motivated. His doctor basically told him if he didn't lose weight and lose weight soon, he'd be in a whole lotta trouble. However, since then, his weight has creeped back up and his exercise is back to non-existent, save for some occasional yardwork. I also don't think he's been to the doctor since he's packed the pounds back on. I know that for him, eating healthy and working out can be difficult given that he travels an ass-ton for business eating out all the time ... but I've found that it's not so hard to squeeze in a walk here and there, or some body weight squats, or some crunches, or something. He also snacks at night ALL THE TIME which is also a recipe for destruction.
Mom, on the other hand has been overweight for years, has tried a myriad of diets, claiming they all "don't work for me, they're all full of shit." She claims her metabolism is slower than molasses. She has some weird vegetable soup diet thing she tries every now and then (more of a cleanse, now that i think about it), but obviously it's one of those "quick fix" things. She, however, has a lot more things working against her:
1.) She works third shift, hanging tags at a supermarket. That schedule alone fucks your body up. Given that she has to do a lot of crap during the day, her sleep schedule is erratic at best so she's always tired and always cranky. Perhaps, in part, due to this,
2.) she eats like total crap. I've told her that she should just try the mini-meal thing - a few nutritionally dense meals throughout the day/night to kick-start/keep her slower-than-slow metabolism going. However, her snacks at work will be Twizzlers or 100-calorie packs of Lorna Doone shortbreads. She'll have a bowl of ice cream, saying "I felt like it" or "it's okay, because I'm getting my calcium in this way." ... WHAT?
3.) Her health (in general) is good enough that her doctor doesn't feel the need to tell her to lose weight or else. She's got good blood pressure, cholesterol levels and the like - which I'm thankful for inheriting because my blood pressure kicks ass. However, despite that, she has had arthritis in her knees for years and, more recently, has been having back and foot troubles. She claims it's just due to working on her feet all the time, but I can't help but think it's got something to do with all the extra weight she's carrying around.
She enjoys swimming, but wouldn't go with me to 24 when they had their "bring a guest for free" promotion, finding some excuse. When the whole family had a membership to the rec center, I dragged her along for some walking and low-level recumbent biking, but only a few times. She couldn't swim there, but only because the lap schedules were erratic and didn't fit in with her work schedule.
Now, she proudly said she lost five pounds last year eating what she wanted when she wanted (i feel like an asston of jelly on my toast this morning, so i'm gonna have it). The weight loss is good, don't get me wrong, but at her weight, she could be safely losing AT LEAST that a MONTH. But with no imminent health dangers (well, obvious ones at least) on the horizon and her declaring she's always too tired because she stretches herself thin everywhere else, the motivation will be impossible to come by.
My brother is a strange case. He claims he eats well, but when I'm around him at family meals, he eats a shitload of relatively crappy food. If he eats better at home, then more power to him. But as his business is slow lately (he works in remodeling kitchens and bathrooms and stuff), he's been eating more and more meals back at home base (our house) to save money. His job (and now, his puppies) keep him active and he does enjoy the occasional bike ride (though hasn't in a while), but his main vice is beer ... as evidenced by his slightly solid (looking, at least) beer belly.
To get back on track, the reason why I got so frustrated that it sparked me to blog tonight: tonight's dinner.
From pretty much everything I've read amongst the ever-changing diet advice out there (coffee is the bomb! coffee will kill you! and so on), one standard is that when it comes to the food on your plate, it should be colorful and pretty; avoid the monochromatic meal.
Well, let me tell you what the family enjoyed for dinner tonight:
- 2% cottage cheese with canned pears (i actually enjoy this ... in small quantities)
- steak (don't know what cut) covered in Montreal steak seasoning (too seasoned; i prechop my steaks so i only eat about a serving and toss the rest in a ziploc - can't eat much red meat anymore)
- chopped mushrooms sauteed in butter, for the steak (ate a tiny bit; could tell mushrooms were getting old and yucky)
- corn on the cob, buttered (ate a half-cob; i hate this as a vegetable - it's basically a starch)
- russet potatoes, peeled, sliced and fried with onions (bland and just ... blah)
- pillsbury crescent rolls: garlic butter edition, served with brummel and brown (realized they were the garlic butter ones halfway into my second roll - knew it tasted funny and couldn't figure out why ... *gag*)
The color palette? white, light yellow-green, gray, brown, yellow/white, white, tan. Pretty damn monochromatic if you ask me. I had as little of everything as possible and supplemented with some red grapes, but still.
Costs be damned, I wish Brandon and I could move out now, if only to eat better without the family looking down on me (history for another day ...).
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Resolution Redux
Well, we're at about the halfway point of the year (or exactly at it. who knows.) so I figured that since I want to expand beyond the plain "oh i ran/lifted/swam/biked x amount of __ today" entries that this here blog has mostly become, I'd revisit one of my earliest posts - why I started this here bloggy-poo.
Though I started Inspiration Stardust Dreams (which sounded a whole lot cooler at the time, i might add) right after the start of the new year, it was NOT meant to be a New Year's Resolution blog. Granted, I did make resolutions this year and, being true to my female DNA, made some fitness-related ones. Resolutions which I'd like to revisit in this here entry (see: title).
BUT, the main reason I started this (thinking back on it ... and this reason may change in another few months knowing me) was as another way of keeping myself accountable. At many points in my diet/fitness/exercise journey, I've kept food and exercise journals - writing down EVERYTHING I eat or do, activity-wise, each day. I've kept them for a short amount of time (a few days) and a long amount of time (a whole semester). Thanks to a mostly miserable experience on the bodybugg (story for a later blog entry), I decided that I don't want to obsess about each and every thing I put in my mouth, but I still needed to keep track of my fitness as a way of keeping me motivated.
That, and my fellow blog buddy boyfriend, Brandon, said that reading my tri blog was motivating and inspirational to him. So, I started this here blog to keep him - and myself - inspired. It turns out, he got so inspired to start blogging that I just gave him blog rights on here (and, as you can see from the last entry, he's totally on board with the somewhat new direction i want to go with this here blog).
In any case, enough rambling. Let me get on to my actual, original, intended point of this entry - my redoing of resolutions. Out of the eight total I made this year, half of them were fitness/health related (nos. 2-5). They were:
- Get back in shape. I actually was doing fairly well with this last summer before I went crazy. (story in the (hopefully) near future)
- Compete in at least five races again and possibly add another one into the mix. This also includes doing a tri again.
- Finally learn how to fucking kayak.
- Play more hockey.
Now, let's break these down ... starting from the bottom up.
Play more hockey - Ha. Let's look at the numbers, shall we?
Hockey played by this point in 2007: 15 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
Hockey played by this point in 2008: 6 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
Yeah. I'm doing well here. But oh, it gets better ...
Hockey played total in 2007: 26 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
So, if I want to indeed "play more hockey" this year, I'm going to have to squash in at least 21 more games/drop-ins/whathaveyous into the next six months. Now I'm not saying this is impossible mind you, just highly improbable. If I stay around here, I may join a fall/winter league (know peeps thanks to a part-time hockey scorekeeping job) which would help, but I may be moving within the next few months for a job, so who knows. All I know is that I will hopefully skate five more times before I move (if needed) to use up the last of my punch card.
Moving on ...
Finally learn how to fucking kayak - Current financial situation (that doesn't look to improve) makes my non-existent Magic 8 ball say "all signs point to no." *cries a little*
Compete in at least five races again and possibly add another one into the mix. This also includes doing a tri again - Check, check and check.
Race dates 2007: 5/5, 6/20, 7/4, 8/5 (tri!), 9/15
Race dates 2008: 4/27, 5/11, 6/15, 6/18
Unless noted, all races are 5Ks. Also planned for 2008 is the fourth annual Lone Tree Firecracker 5K on July 4th (and it will be the fourth year i have raced in the sucker. crappiest course EVER). I have already registered for the Tri for the Cure again (8/3!). Since the boy can't compete in the tri, I may do a 5K with him in August and there are two I'd really like to do in September - the Autumn Color run again in Buena Vista and the Skirt Chaser series just because it looks so damn fun. Brandon's really hoping to be able to do that one with me.
So, not only do I succeed on that resolution, I am destroying it. Go me!
And finally ...
Get back in shape. I was actually doing fairly well with this last summer before I went crazy - Ah, insanity. When I finally post the bodybugg and 24 entries, you'll understand. But for now, I don't feel like getting into it. *sticks hands on head, waving them like fake moose antlers all while sticking her tongue out*neener neener neener! (yes, i am mature).
In any case, I feel like I've been doing fairly well with that. I still can't fit into all of the shorts I could fit into and, in some cases, bought last summer (*sigh*), but I'm getting there. According to the boyfriend, it looks like some of the pudge that both of us accumulated over the past month or so is starting to go away again, so whoo hoo!
The hardest thing right now is knowing I need to get my diet back on track. However, it's hard still living at home with overweight family members and well-meaning (but sabotaging) parents who make snarky comments when you don't want to eat the crappy greasy food that's been laid out before you.
I think that's enough out of me for now ... A later blog today will be a stereotypical T/ISDreams workout blog post and hopefully in a few days (or tomorrow. we'll see) I'll get to my workout history and a little bit of the methodology behind why I am the way I am in working out.
Though I started Inspiration Stardust Dreams (which sounded a whole lot cooler at the time, i might add) right after the start of the new year, it was NOT meant to be a New Year's Resolution blog. Granted, I did make resolutions this year and, being true to my female DNA, made some fitness-related ones. Resolutions which I'd like to revisit in this here entry (see: title).
BUT, the main reason I started this (thinking back on it ... and this reason may change in another few months knowing me) was as another way of keeping myself accountable. At many points in my diet/fitness/exercise journey, I've kept food and exercise journals - writing down EVERYTHING I eat or do, activity-wise, each day. I've kept them for a short amount of time (a few days) and a long amount of time (a whole semester). Thanks to a mostly miserable experience on the bodybugg (story for a later blog entry), I decided that I don't want to obsess about each and every thing I put in my mouth, but I still needed to keep track of my fitness as a way of keeping me motivated.
That, and my fellow blog buddy boyfriend, Brandon, said that reading my tri blog was motivating and inspirational to him. So, I started this here blog to keep him - and myself - inspired. It turns out, he got so inspired to start blogging that I just gave him blog rights on here (and, as you can see from the last entry, he's totally on board with the somewhat new direction i want to go with this here blog).
In any case, enough rambling. Let me get on to my actual, original, intended point of this entry - my redoing of resolutions. Out of the eight total I made this year, half of them were fitness/health related (nos. 2-5). They were:
- Get back in shape. I actually was doing fairly well with this last summer before I went crazy. (story in the (hopefully) near future)
- Compete in at least five races again and possibly add another one into the mix. This also includes doing a tri again.
- Finally learn how to fucking kayak.
- Play more hockey.
Now, let's break these down ... starting from the bottom up.
Play more hockey - Ha. Let's look at the numbers, shall we?
Hockey played by this point in 2007: 15 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
Hockey played by this point in 2008: 6 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
Yeah. I'm doing well here. But oh, it gets better ...
Hockey played total in 2007: 26 games/drop-ins/whathaveyou.
So, if I want to indeed "play more hockey" this year, I'm going to have to squash in at least 21 more games/drop-ins/whathaveyous into the next six months. Now I'm not saying this is impossible mind you, just highly improbable. If I stay around here, I may join a fall/winter league (know peeps thanks to a part-time hockey scorekeeping job) which would help, but I may be moving within the next few months for a job, so who knows. All I know is that I will hopefully skate five more times before I move (if needed) to use up the last of my punch card.
Moving on ...
Finally learn how to fucking kayak - Current financial situation (that doesn't look to improve) makes my non-existent Magic 8 ball say "all signs point to no." *cries a little*
Compete in at least five races again and possibly add another one into the mix. This also includes doing a tri again - Check, check and check.
Race dates 2007: 5/5, 6/20, 7/4, 8/5 (tri!), 9/15
Race dates 2008: 4/27, 5/11, 6/15, 6/18
Unless noted, all races are 5Ks. Also planned for 2008 is the fourth annual Lone Tree Firecracker 5K on July 4th (and it will be the fourth year i have raced in the sucker. crappiest course EVER). I have already registered for the Tri for the Cure again (8/3!). Since the boy can't compete in the tri, I may do a 5K with him in August and there are two I'd really like to do in September - the Autumn Color run again in Buena Vista and the Skirt Chaser series just because it looks so damn fun. Brandon's really hoping to be able to do that one with me.
So, not only do I succeed on that resolution, I am destroying it. Go me!
And finally ...
Get back in shape. I was actually doing fairly well with this last summer before I went crazy - Ah, insanity. When I finally post the bodybugg and 24 entries, you'll understand. But for now, I don't feel like getting into it. *sticks hands on head, waving them like fake moose antlers all while sticking her tongue out*neener neener neener! (yes, i am mature).
In any case, I feel like I've been doing fairly well with that. I still can't fit into all of the shorts I could fit into and, in some cases, bought last summer (*sigh*), but I'm getting there. According to the boyfriend, it looks like some of the pudge that both of us accumulated over the past month or so is starting to go away again, so whoo hoo!
The hardest thing right now is knowing I need to get my diet back on track. However, it's hard still living at home with overweight family members and well-meaning (but sabotaging) parents who make snarky comments when you don't want to eat the crappy greasy food that's been laid out before you.
I think that's enough out of me for now ... A later blog today will be a stereotypical T/ISDreams workout blog post and hopefully in a few days (or tomorrow. we'll see) I'll get to my workout history and a little bit of the methodology behind why I am the way I am in working out.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Stay Motivated
So my resolution this year was to stay motivated. And I guess since the year is half over, time to review how that has gone. In some things I have definitely done so, and in others, not so much. My main goal this year was to buy a condo in downtown Minny. Well that is definitely out the window now. My other goal was to upgrade to captain at Pinnacle. Yeah, don't work there anymore. Blessing, I know.
But one of my goals was to really manage my weight. Not just lose the weight I had put on, but manage it through proper eating, exercise, and whatnot. I began the month of January just starting to date Theresa and since she is like Ms. Super Athlete I wanted to be in shape for her so she wouldn't dump my fat ass. Couple that with a trip to Hawaii where we were competing against each other for the best beach bod and the month of January turned out pretty good for me.
In February and March I really began to see change, and have other people notice the change as well. Gray pointed out that I was now ripped, my mom said I needed to gain weight, and Theresa was very proud of me. I was even talking about doing a tri in 2009. I can attribute most of it to hard work and cutting out the booze. I also ran my first 5K, which was huge for me.
Late April saw a setback. With the job situation and having me feeling like I just got fucked in the ass, I slid a bit. My exercise was lacking and my eating tuned to hell. I noticed that I could not see the outline of my stomach muscles anymore and I definitely had a gut going again. Sure, my arms were ripped and my legs looked good, but what use did it have? I was depressed, stressed, and sad.
However, things turned around pretty quickly. I got hired by a new airline and immediately felt better about myself. I began working hard again at the gym and in my workouts. My running has improved steadily, my cycling, which sucked wrinkly ball sack at first, is getting better, and I still feel like a natural in the pool. Last week, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed my stomach muscles again. Honestly, today, I feel the best I have felt since high school. It's weird, but awesome at the same time.
I am still motivated to do better in my 5K's this summer, still motivated to maintain my weight, and motivated to begin my triathalon training for next year. I went to the gym tonight with the girlfriend to lift some weights. We hit a little of everything. Leg presses, calf raises, her situp dealies, planks, shoulder presses, and curls.
I have to stay motivated for ground school as well. But with my brain feeling better than it has in a long time, I think I will do well for the rest of the year in terms of my motivation goal.
But one of my goals was to really manage my weight. Not just lose the weight I had put on, but manage it through proper eating, exercise, and whatnot. I began the month of January just starting to date Theresa and since she is like Ms. Super Athlete I wanted to be in shape for her so she wouldn't dump my fat ass. Couple that with a trip to Hawaii where we were competing against each other for the best beach bod and the month of January turned out pretty good for me.
In February and March I really began to see change, and have other people notice the change as well. Gray pointed out that I was now ripped, my mom said I needed to gain weight, and Theresa was very proud of me. I was even talking about doing a tri in 2009. I can attribute most of it to hard work and cutting out the booze. I also ran my first 5K, which was huge for me.
Late April saw a setback. With the job situation and having me feeling like I just got fucked in the ass, I slid a bit. My exercise was lacking and my eating tuned to hell. I noticed that I could not see the outline of my stomach muscles anymore and I definitely had a gut going again. Sure, my arms were ripped and my legs looked good, but what use did it have? I was depressed, stressed, and sad.
However, things turned around pretty quickly. I got hired by a new airline and immediately felt better about myself. I began working hard again at the gym and in my workouts. My running has improved steadily, my cycling, which sucked wrinkly ball sack at first, is getting better, and I still feel like a natural in the pool. Last week, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed my stomach muscles again. Honestly, today, I feel the best I have felt since high school. It's weird, but awesome at the same time.
I am still motivated to do better in my 5K's this summer, still motivated to maintain my weight, and motivated to begin my triathalon training for next year. I went to the gym tonight with the girlfriend to lift some weights. We hit a little of everything. Leg presses, calf raises, her situp dealies, planks, shoulder presses, and curls.
I have to stay motivated for ground school as well. But with my brain feeling better than it has in a long time, I think I will do well for the rest of the year in terms of my motivation goal.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Beach Bod
I'm new at this blogging/journaling thing...
Yesterday, in what was the worst day of my Pinnacle career, there was one silver lining: The opportunity to spend a few days in Hawaii with my recent girlfriend, Theresa. Apparently, her parents told her they do not mind if I come out there, provided it doesn't interfere with my job. Talk about a pick-me-up! Me, naturally, I immediately agree, but realize that what I've been doing to get in shape will not get be that "beach bod" that I will need to not only be comfortable out there, but to impress my very sexy girlfriend.
Since I was unable to work out last night due to a very shitty fucking day, I knew that today I wanted to have my personal trainer, Gray, beat the hell out of me. Especially since the rest of today sucked as well. Of course, T can keep me sane in any situation, thankfully. As I was driving home, Gray called me and asked if I could meet him there early. I changed in the parking lot (no problem) and met up with Gray. Feeling still angry from the two days I had, I told Gray about my plans for Hawaii and that I wanted to strictly focus on upper body. He at first was skeptical, but told me he could come up with something great. He also said he could get me looking very good.
We started off with some simple dumbbell bench-press. We did 12 of those with 30 lb dumbbells. Then we did an over the head exercise with a barbell. 45 lbs. We followed that up with a lat-pulldown. 75 lbs. Did 3 sets of each.
After those 3 sets, he let me rest. We bullshitted about work and his stupid ex-girlfriend. He asked me about the Hawaii trip and told me that I must have made a helluva first impression with T's parents.
The next 3 sets were cable pulleys, shoulder presses, and some other barbell exercise that I have never done before. By now, I'm hurting real bad, but keeping the vision in sight. Even Gray was getting into it, as he would say things like "THINK OF HAWAII!!!"
The final 3 set exercises were the worst. We did straight bicep curls with 15 lbs. At one point, he walked away and told me to finish one set. As I was struggling with it, my arms just kind of froze at about the 90 degree point. I could literally not curl anymore. Feeling like a total wuss, I dropped the dumbbells. Gray then brought over to me 10 lbs and just reminded me to keep good form.
We then moved over to the wall, where he grabbed an exercise ball. With the ball against the wall and my back against the ball, he handed me another barbell. This one, he said, would be brutal. He called it the 3 21's. Start off with the barbell down by your waist, curl it up, but only to 90 degrees. Do that 7 times. Then you start it up by your chin, but curl it down only 90 degrees. Again, do it 7 times. Then you do the full range of motion. Yeah, after the first full range one, I think I uttered fuck or something like that. However, I was able to complete 3 sets.
We finished it off by doing some more dumbbell bench-press. I was actually surprised at how fast our session went, and was really pumped up through the rest of the night.
I also looked in the mirror at one point when I was doing these exercises and saw the definition in my arms. It made me proud to see the result of my hard work that I have been doing over the past few months. Will I ever have that killer body? No. You're talking to a kid who has been weightlifting seriously since 7th grade, played hockey 9 months a year (fall I played football) and yet never had the 6 pack or the chiseled jaw. I always have had a strong torso and good arms.
Basically, my staying motivated goal has a new incentive now.
Yesterday, in what was the worst day of my Pinnacle career, there was one silver lining: The opportunity to spend a few days in Hawaii with my recent girlfriend, Theresa. Apparently, her parents told her they do not mind if I come out there, provided it doesn't interfere with my job. Talk about a pick-me-up! Me, naturally, I immediately agree, but realize that what I've been doing to get in shape will not get be that "beach bod" that I will need to not only be comfortable out there, but to impress my very sexy girlfriend.
Since I was unable to work out last night due to a very shitty fucking day, I knew that today I wanted to have my personal trainer, Gray, beat the hell out of me. Especially since the rest of today sucked as well. Of course, T can keep me sane in any situation, thankfully. As I was driving home, Gray called me and asked if I could meet him there early. I changed in the parking lot (no problem) and met up with Gray. Feeling still angry from the two days I had, I told Gray about my plans for Hawaii and that I wanted to strictly focus on upper body. He at first was skeptical, but told me he could come up with something great. He also said he could get me looking very good.
We started off with some simple dumbbell bench-press. We did 12 of those with 30 lb dumbbells. Then we did an over the head exercise with a barbell. 45 lbs. We followed that up with a lat-pulldown. 75 lbs. Did 3 sets of each.
After those 3 sets, he let me rest. We bullshitted about work and his stupid ex-girlfriend. He asked me about the Hawaii trip and told me that I must have made a helluva first impression with T's parents.
The next 3 sets were cable pulleys, shoulder presses, and some other barbell exercise that I have never done before. By now, I'm hurting real bad, but keeping the vision in sight. Even Gray was getting into it, as he would say things like "THINK OF HAWAII!!!"
The final 3 set exercises were the worst. We did straight bicep curls with 15 lbs. At one point, he walked away and told me to finish one set. As I was struggling with it, my arms just kind of froze at about the 90 degree point. I could literally not curl anymore. Feeling like a total wuss, I dropped the dumbbells. Gray then brought over to me 10 lbs and just reminded me to keep good form.
We then moved over to the wall, where he grabbed an exercise ball. With the ball against the wall and my back against the ball, he handed me another barbell. This one, he said, would be brutal. He called it the 3 21's. Start off with the barbell down by your waist, curl it up, but only to 90 degrees. Do that 7 times. Then you start it up by your chin, but curl it down only 90 degrees. Again, do it 7 times. Then you do the full range of motion. Yeah, after the first full range one, I think I uttered fuck or something like that. However, I was able to complete 3 sets.
We finished it off by doing some more dumbbell bench-press. I was actually surprised at how fast our session went, and was really pumped up through the rest of the night.
I also looked in the mirror at one point when I was doing these exercises and saw the definition in my arms. It made me proud to see the result of my hard work that I have been doing over the past few months. Will I ever have that killer body? No. You're talking to a kid who has been weightlifting seriously since 7th grade, played hockey 9 months a year (fall I played football) and yet never had the 6 pack or the chiseled jaw. I always have had a strong torso and good arms.
Basically, my staying motivated goal has a new incentive now.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Post the First
I'd like to start out explaining why I started this blog (not that anyone will really read it, but y'know).
This is my second official blog (though i have/have had other online journals/diaries) - my first being my Tri for the Cure blog I shared with a few other friends. My boyfriend, actually, recently read the blog and said that me doing the tri (and a few of my related posts) was very inspirational. Since I never really thought of myself as an inspirational person, it got me to thinking ... if I can keep up with this on a semi-regular basis (unlike any other online blog/journal/diary i've tried), I may not only help keep him inspired, but, moreover, inspire myself to get back in good shape and stay there.
That being said, this will have my workouts in some detail. I probably won't put food in here, but I'm not guaranteeing anything just in case. I try to not make it all that boring, but we'll see ...
I don't want to put much about my life in here, but I may anyway. I guess it really depends on what random whim I'm feeling that given day.
This is my second official blog (though i have/have had other online journals/diaries) - my first being my Tri for the Cure blog I shared with a few other friends. My boyfriend, actually, recently read the blog and said that me doing the tri (and a few of my related posts) was very inspirational. Since I never really thought of myself as an inspirational person, it got me to thinking ... if I can keep up with this on a semi-regular basis (unlike any other online blog/journal/diary i've tried), I may not only help keep him inspired, but, moreover, inspire myself to get back in good shape and stay there.
That being said, this will have my workouts in some detail. I probably won't put food in here, but I'm not guaranteeing anything just in case. I try to not make it all that boring, but we'll see ...
I don't want to put much about my life in here, but I may anyway. I guess it really depends on what random whim I'm feeling that given day.
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