Thursday, September 18, 2008

A serious entry

Most of our posts up to this point have been humorous, or at the very least, non-serious. Yesterday, something happened to me that made me literally snap.

I woke up not feeling myself. Don't know how to describe it, but I just was not myself. We went to the food court in the mall to decide on something for lunch. For those who haven't been keeping track of our goals, one of mine is to not eat any fast food other than Taco Bell or Subway. Well, we were doing a loop of the food court and something came over me. It was like I was there, but wasn't. As girlfriend put it, I was detached from myself. And the oddest thing is, I don't remember much about it. I came back down to earth shortly thereafter.

But as the day was pressing on, I was definitely drifting in and out of reality. Even during Jeopardy I was not there. Theresa was noticing something but couldn't put her finger on it. Later in the evening before we went to the gym, we were discussing the economy, which put both of us in a pretty depressed mood. Driving to the gym was a little weird, and walking in was weird as well. I put my stuff in the locker room, and while girlfriend foam rolled I stretched. We then warmed up for 5 minutes and stretched out more, and this is where I lose track of things. I remember we started on the stationary bikes and I had to get out of the gym. I just had to. I was not in my body.

We left the gym and drove home. My senses were on high alert; I could hear things and see things I never knew were there. We went for a walk and I just had to sit down and talk. And things came spilling out. My lord. Work, money, not letting go of things that happened in the past, and most surprising, my new lifestyle change. I mentioned how the stories in Mens Health about the guys that lose 90 lbs don't mention how hard it actually is. That these guys never have setbacks, or feel insecure at any point. One day they wake up, look in the mirror, and switch their lifestyle over and now they are running marathons. I have one thing to say to all of that. FUCK YOU. Seriously. This change that I have made over the past year has not been easy. In fact, it's been damn near impossible at times. I've cut out a ridiculous amount of things from my diet that I used to love. I've resorted to beating myself up internally if I slip a little bit. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to have one alcoholic drink for all the empty calories it contains. I am at the stage where if I take one bite of bad food, it will blow me up to 208 pounds. Just like that. That is what is in my mind right now.

Of course, this all came spilling out last night at 11:00 on the street. I looked up online what happened and it turns out it was an anxiety attack. The feeling of just having to get out all at once.

The big question obviously was, how do we prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future? I mean, I guess it was hard to admit but I have a form of an eating disorder. The term is orthorexia, where a person focuses so hard on eating healthy that it turns into a fixation. I wouldn't say that mine is serious; it's not like I eat ridiculously healthy for sure. But I do really want to take care of myself. And after evaltualing last night, it appears that this has taken over my life.

A perfect point Theresa brought up to me. Oreos are in the top 10 of my favorite foods. Delicious Double Stuffed Oreos. There is a box of them sitting under my bed. Right under where I sleep. And it's been sitting there for nearly a month. I have eaten less than 1/2 a dozen. No joke. These are just sitting there. Is this showing an amazing ability of willpower? Maybe. But I think what it is realistically showing is that I am depriving myself of things that I love and internally that is hurting me.

So the question is, where do we go from here? The line that we are toeing between being healthy and hurting ourselves is very fine. Obviously we are trying to be healthy, because ultimately it's a better way to live. The benefits of having a healthy body far outweigh a non-healthy body. The question is, how do we find that fine balance? We beat ourselves up pretty bad over what we eat, moreso than we should. I think we've both gotten to a point where anything we put in our bodies negatively affects us.

Unfortunately, there isn't a simple solution. I'm not going to allow myself to suddenly scarf down whatever the hell I want because that would just throw it all away. I'm not going to let back in everything that I have cut out, because that would just throw it all away. What I think I'm going to do is every now and then allow myself a treat. Not just a piece of dark chocolate, but a few Oreos, a couple slices of pizza, a regular pop, a beer, a Crown and diet,. By not prohibiting these things and instead allowing them in my life, it will remind me that eating them is not instant death or huge weight gain.

Off for a run. Will keep everyone updated.

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